How can you get out of the fear? The fear of saying the wrong thing. The fear of doing the wrong thing. The fear of being someone others hate?

How can you start all over, and manage to get out of that fear, and start a new life, confident and strong, when you have no idea what confident and strong really mean?

 

I guess I have tried for so long, and had so much going against me, that I am scared of getting more of the bad things coming.

 

Words said, sit in the back of my head, and can't stop popping its head out.  It's like the words that hurt me has made a nest in my head, and is screaming the same thing over and over. " Why are you here". "Why did you move into MY neighborhood?" "Why did you come back?" "You did wrong?" "You were not doing right" 

And the one that made me wonder, because of one picture, "It was like you hated me, since you wanted that picture". ( It was a close up, a picture I really liked, of me, with my daughter in the background, and she hated it, because she felt like I was all about me, and not her)

IT WAS NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I came back because you people ASKED me to come back!

I moved in here because you found this for me. And I thought we were not only sisters, but FRIENDS!

We are not anymore. Sisters, yes, same mom. Friends? Not so much. I avoid you as best as I can. Oh, I see you now and again, and talk with you. But you honestly scare me! I do walk on eggshells around you. Why? Remember what you said? " A sister can say whatever she wanna say, it doesn't matter what it is, whatever harsh words. We are sisters, that's what we do".

NO. It is NOT what we do. You also said "I don't care how people react, as long as I get to say my piece. At least I feel good after I say it". That shocked me. I never knew you to be like this, but obviously it is nothing new....

I keep to myself. It's the best thing for me. At least then I don't have to worry about people getting mad. Or....saying something wrong. Doing something wrong. I am alone, and it's ok.

Maybe this is what will be forever? Until the day I leave this world. I am not lonely. Just scared of people.....